Friday, June 6, 2014

Merkley ??? is (not?!) an American photographer, based in San Francisco, USA

Merkley ??? is (not?!) an American photographer, based in San Francisco, USA

« 1. I'm Not a Photographer.
2. 95% of the people you see in my pictures are friends, ex girlfriends, current girlfriends, some girl's girlfriend, some random dudes and a couple gays here and there. 
I know these people.
Guess who doesn't know them. The Robot Camera Machine.
The Robot Camera Machine is a dirty rotten box of bolts that don't know shit. The stuff it does to people with it's ten billion watt flash is nothing less than barbaric, freezing them, killing them, exposing their zits and warts and clogged pores and such. 
The Robot Camera Machine LIES.
Fuck The Robot Camera Machine and it's cruel robot camera machineness. 
Using a Robot COMPUTER Machine, I take the LIES The Robot Camera Machine tells and replace them with.... ummm... groceries, flying pets....
...and a bunch of other bullshit. 
Fuck the robots.
Bless the robots.
ALSO, no meetings were held in the making of ANY of these photos.
The Inept take meetings as the Adept take naps.
Oh yeah, influences...
not neccesarily in order:
Dr. Seuss
Norman Rockwell
Wes Anderson
Jim Henson
Apple Computers
Gary Larson and the one panel cartoon format.
Glamour Shots (you know from the mall)
The entire lowrider aesthetic
Post Mormon Repression Correction
and perhaps most significantly and despite my staunch atheism, these three words:
Do unto others...
Jesus stole that line I bet.
Frequently Asked Questions:
Q: Dude, what kind of camera do you use?
A: Some digital gizmo with a megapickle dealie. You can read all about it in the flickr sidebar if you super enjoy completely useless info.
Q: What kind of lighting do you use?
A: You know, LIGHTS, the kind that sit on tables and hang from ceilings, it's convenient because most rooms already have them installed. Sometimes I will flip a switch on a table lamp if I think about it. Ooooh, DESK LAMPS ARE COOL FOR SHOTS OF DESKS!
Q: What kind of flash do you use?
A: Whatever is built in to whatever camera I am using. It's AWESOME how they build stuff in these days.
Q: So why does everything look all properly lit and everything?
A: Because I have an AMAZING darkroom built by some of the best technicians in the universe and get this, they crammed the whole thing into this doohicky that fits nicely on my lap which also plays PORN!
Q: Yeah smartass, it's called PHOTOSHOP. What filters/plugins are you using to achieve xxx effect?
A: Ummmmm....
Q: Seriously, don't be a dick, just tell me.
A: That's not a question, that's a demand, YOU don't be a dick.
Q: Why won't you tell me? I'll just figure it out anyway.
A: FANTASTIC! link me when you do.
Q: A-hole
A: Q-hole.
Q: How do you get all these beautiful women to take off their clothes?
A: Threats of violence, rufies, intimidation, Jedi mind tricks, blackmail, hypnotism, empty promises, alcohol, indian burns, crying, screaming, pleas of pity.... depends on the woman really, but I've found that a long subtle campaign to destroy self-esteem mixed with religious/spiritual gobbledygook and the ritual bloodletting of newborn north korean identical twins works pretty good.
Q: How come they all look like plasticish and lotiony?
A: HA HA your question almost contains the answer! Before any photo shoot all the women are sprayed with liquid PLASTIC and dunked in a vat of LOTION -- so funny how you almost had it.
Q: Do all those women really live in homes with 15 foot ceilings, matching lamps and awesome sofas or is that your house or studio and you own a furniture shop or something?
A: All of the above. They all live with me in a ten billion square foot furniture store. 
Q: I am a woman and I am curious why it is that you seem to be able to understand how to bring out the true inner womanly beauty, it's almost as if you understand how a woman feels.
A: Huh? dude, don't be weird. I don't understand women, I don't understand anyone. I like to make pretty pictures of pretty girls, with groceries and pets -- don't get all Dr. Oprah on me. It weirds me out.
Q:Will you take my picture?
A: Maybe. If you are actually in some way part of my immediate real life physical social network then maybe. Otherwise you gotta pay.
Q: Why won't you answer any question directly? It really is kinda assholish you know.
A: That was direct.
Q: Yeah but only because you just edited it but didn't edit my response. That's assholish too.
A: I know huh. I wanna be a better person, I just don't know how. HELP ME.
Q: Dude, why don't you credit LaChappelle in your influences list?
A: The people I credit are really the ones who got in my balls about the junk I make. LaChapelle is total hooraysville but I found him long after the other stuff listed above fucked me up on the reelz. I'd be willing to bet he likes nachos as much as I do.
Q: What about Halsman? you sure have a lot of flying cats!
A: My urge to throw cats has more to do with my disdain for hippies than it does any admiration for a photographer, no matter how fantastic he may be. Frankly, I always looked down my nose at photographers when I was painting, it's only since I picked up a digital camera and a pirated copy of photoshop in 2000 that I have been perusing photography to any significant degree.
Q: What's with the annoying long titles?
A: Because blind people should enjoy flickr too. And also because one day someone on flickr said my crap looked like Les Krims' crap so I Googled him and looked at his crap and it wasn't crap at all, in fact I thought I found a brother from another mother (HE EVEN HAD PICKLES!) and he had long titles on his pictures and I already had long annoying titles on my blogs but NOT my PICTURES and it made me go DUH!!
Which is a long way of saying I kinda copied Les Krims. Fuck off.
Q: You seem to fly off the handle and get abusive and rude for no reason at all, can you not take criticism?
A: Fuck you you lousy piece of crap. I could't give one smidge of a fuck about what you have to say and the fact that you'd assume that I would makes my skull disintegrate. I HATE YOU. Here's a dime, go slit your wrists.
BTW: Resplendent or repugnant, time turns you inside out. There is no photoshop for your personality. There is no photoshop for your soul. » Merkley ???


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